I need your thoughts and feedback on this. Too silly? Trying to be funny but not? Anything you can say will be helpful.
There arenâ€™t a lot of good reasons to enter the sewers, and sparse as they are, Chester had none. He had some bad reasons, which, by his standards, were good enough.
It was about 7:00 in the morning when Chester came to an open manhole. Heâ€™d always wondered what it was like â€œdown there,â€ and saw a convenient ladder descending into the darkness below. So, curiosity ablaze in his heart like an Arizona brushfire, he carefully stepped down inside, and so began his greatest adventure ever.
Greater, even, than his sixth grade visit to the girlsâ€™ bathroom.
Greater, in fact, than his accident at the zoo in the primate compound.
Even greater, and this is absolutely true, than when he fell from a hot-air balloon and landed on another balloon inflating on the ground below, inadvertently starting a brushfire in the Phoenix City Park.
Now, before I tell you what Chester found down in the sewers, I want you to imagine youâ€™re a vampire looking for a place to live.
What are the ideal living conditions for you, a vampire, assuming most of the lore about you is true? Well, you want someplace thatâ€™s dark all the time. Accidentally walking into a sunlit room is a risk youâ€™d want to avoid. (This is a trait you share with computer programmers, by the way.)
You also always want to be near an adequate food supply. (Another trait you share with programmers.) For you, however, this means people. A major metropolitan area is ideal.
Now think to yourself â€“ where in a major metropolitan area is a place that is always devoid of sunlight? If youâ€™re thinking â€œthe sewers,â€ youâ€™re right. That brings us back to Chester.
Chester stepped down from the last rung, his boots plopping into about an inch of foul, murky water. Sunlight shone in from above and reflected off the ripples in the little stream where Chester stood.
Suddenly, there was a scraping sound from behind him, and Chester spun to see what it was. A gorilla, perhaps? A 6th-grade girl? No, it was neither. It was something much worse.
It was a vampire!
Well, not really. It was actually a vampire hunter, which differs from vampires in several critical ways, but thereâ€™s no time to go into that righâ€”
â€œWho are you?â€ Chester shouted, frightened by the presence of another human being in this semi-dark, semi-sunlit place. Just then something nudged his boot, and he looked down at the dirty water. The head and neck of a young woman were visible floating into the light, her face pale like a goth albino, and her neck disfigured by two menacing holes.
Chester could spot a vampireâ€™s victim from a several yards away, and he was much closer to her than that. â€œYouâ€™re a vampire!â€ he shouted at the man who remained cloaked in the darkness.
â€œNo,â€ responded the man, â€œIâ€™m a vampire hunter.â€
â€œHa!â€ Chester shouted. â€œJust the sort of thing a vampire would be likely to say!â€
â€œActually, no,â€ the man corrected him. â€œA vampire would be much more likely to say â€˜Arrrrgh!â€™ and attack you. Trust me, I know.â€
Chester thought. It seemed like a valid enough point. And the man spoke with authority. Chester was quick to yield. He prodded further. â€œW-why are you here?â€
â€œI was trying to keep her safe,â€ the hunter said, pointing to the corpse at his feet. â€œBut I was too late â€“ once he has his prey away from public view, he moves quickly.â€
â€œAnd by â€˜heâ€™ you mean a vampire?â€
There was a long moment of silence, after which Chester asked, â€œDoes â€˜indeedâ€™ mean â€˜yesâ€™?â€
â€œIndeeâ€”yes,â€ replied the hunter.
â€œAnd who was she?â€ Chester asked, trying unsuccessfully to push her away with his boot.
â€œHer? Some poor goth albino who didnâ€™t deserve to die.â€
They both stood there for a moment, unsure what to do next. This was all very new to Chester, who had never dealt with vampires or their hunters before. The closest heâ€™d ever come to something like this was the werewolf hunter heâ€™d met while camping near Yellowstone. But thatâ€™s a different story, and itâ€™s probably not even true. It seems to change every time Chester tells it.