There’s really not enough violence in the world to describe how much hatred I have for insomnia.
It’s not really insomnia that I hate, either. I hate SLEEP. I hate needing it, craving it, being unable to get it… I hate it.
Sometimes my sleeplessness presents itself as more of a lack-of-deep-sleep — I’m sleeping, sure, but sorta like how a stone skipping across a lake is “submerged”. Which is to say, not very.
I also hate giving quick answers to questions from my boss — on my first day of new responsibility — that are entirely wrong. Hate that. I also hate apologizing for it and not getting a response.
I hate computers. I hate their complexity, their inability to ever be truly user-friendly; I hate seeing a thousand purchase options of which precisely NONE have the solutions I’m looking for.
I hate time’s linearity.
So, yeah. I guess I’m pretty depressed. I can’t think of a single thing that would give me any pleasure or joy right now, except for sleep, which of course eludes me.
I’ve gone more than 50 days without caffeine — I think I’m ready to huck this resolution and go back to caffeinating my days. Will it keep me up at night? MAYBE, but it can’t do much worse than this.
Damn I’m pissed at my bosses for not throwing me a “that’s okay” bone. Makes me want to quit. Day 1. Good start.