A Note to PCLaptops.com

Li’l sumthin’ I wrote to PCLaptops.com:

Wow, guys, you blew it. I’ve suffered through your hideous ads at Gold’s Gym for more than a year now, but when my laptop finally broke down I figured I’d give you guys a shot.

So I come to your website, where you have NO PRICES listed.

Does this really work for you? Your site exists only to belittle your competition, display grammatical and spelling errors galore, and express your love for us. You can actually make sales that way?

It’s bizarre to me that you’re in business, but whatever. Clearly you cater to the uneducated consumer, parting fools from their money.

In other news, I need a cheap laptop. My other laptop was stepped on by an adult member of our household who isn’t me — but I’m not gonna name names. Something when SNAP inside, and now it says it can’t find the hard drive.

The Eat Less Food Diet

So, I’ve been trying this crazy new fad diet I invented — the Eat Less Food diet — and it seems to be working. I limit myself to about 1600 calories a day (the equivalent of about half a Big Mac, or a bushel of oats).  I’m doing this in conjunction with the Do More Exercise workout, which I’ve also invented.

At work we have a pool going, where you commit to working out 3 hours a week. Maybe that’s not much for you, but for someone who has dedicated their life to NOT exercising, it’s quite the turnaround. If you fail to work out for 3 hours in a week, you owe the pool $10. It then gets divvied up among the others, who promptly spend it on donuts.

("Isn’t dedicating your life a bit of an exaggeration," you ask? Well, consider: I have masterfully managed to become terrible at ALL sports; I graduated with a degree in screenwriting, the only job I could imagine having that would allow me to actually work FROM MY BED; and I now work as a programmer, which is the next best thing, if you’re looking for a sedentary lifestyle. "Hey, we’re computer-savvy — shouldn’t we have this meeting online from our computers rather than walk all the way to the conference room?")

These two regimens, the diet and the workout, have been working.  My waistline seems to have shrunk some, and I’ve dropped from about 190 to about 185. The 3 hrs/week of exercise has been going on for about 6 weeks, I think, but the diet is mostly just the last two weeks. I think. Since my calorie intake has dropped, my memory has started to fade. For example, I used to be able to remember all the words to that one song. What’s it called? Huh, I forget.

Whatever. My point is, I’m hungry a LOT. Turns out that the foods I eat tend to have a lot of calories even in small portions — who knew? Well, okay, I did. I always read Nutrition Facts. One time I was shocked to see the cholesterol count was so high for a bag of… my blood. But the test results don’t lie. Also, it said my blood type was Land O’ Lakes.

But I’m doing better! I’ve committed to hiking Mt. Timpanogos this year — and I realize as I type it that the words "NO GO" are right there in the name of the mountain — and I can take hunger a LOT better than I can take an absence of yummy food. So sure, I’ll eat the junk food, but only if I’m willing to go really hungry in the evening.  At some point I think maybe I’ll learn to eat healthy food, but I’m not holding my breath. (I tried that. You don’t weigh any less.)